I lie and lie and I dont know who I am anymore. I just wanna die.
Take a moment to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat that for about ten minutes. After clearing your head of everything — all of the toxins that accumulate during your every day life— think about why you lie. Is it for attention? To keep people from asking questions? To try to stop someone from getting hurt?
Once you’ve found out why you lie, take a step forward and realize that lying is a normal thing to do, even if it’s bad. Everyone lies. Teachers lie, parents lie, siblings lie, everyone does. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Just realize that telling the truth is way more important than lying to someone, even if it is to spare their feelings. More people would trust you more if they knew that you told the truth.
And as for the not knowing who you are —- that’s a part of a teenager’s life. You make mistakes. You’re supposed to! Dye your hair green and decide that you don’t like it that color, or that you do like it! That’s a learning experience! Cut all of your hair off and cry because it’s gone— another learning experience.
People rarely know who they are anymore, and most of it comes from the fact that most people are afraid to try new things. They’re accustomed to the norm.
But don’t you ever think that you need to die. Someone loves you. Someone misses you. More than one person would be upset that you’ve died, so don’t ever think that you deserve to die. Please.
My mom blamed me in her suicide letter, because she walked in on my dad molesting me. She believed that i was a sex hungry slut at 8 years old.. I feel guilt everyday:/
Abuse is hard on anyone, no mater what kind it was. It doesn’t just affect the victim, but their families as well. It’d be really hard to walk in on the man you love touching your son/daughter in a way that should only be between two partners. The hatred would’ve been stored in the back of her brain— she’s trying to figure out why her husband/boyfriend/baby daddy would do such a thing.
I’m so, so sorry that your mother had to blame you for the molestation. It’s never the victim’s fault, no matter how much society wants to pin the blame on them.
As for her calling you those names at such a young, innocent age— I can’t tell you to disregard it. It’d be like trying to remember the face of someone you’ve never met; virtually impossible. I know that it’s hard to take crap from bullies and people on the internet, but when it comes from your own family, it’s a totally different thing. It literally hits home, and you can’t escape from it.
Also… I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your mother. I know that it’s such a cliche thing to say, but it’s all I really can say. Losing someone is always hard, and losing them to suicide is a whole different level of grief.
But just remember:
You are not to blame for your molestation.
You are not a sex hungry slut, no matter what age. Labels like that shouldn’t exist, especially for someone that young.
Just remember that, and that I’m always here for you.